65 Funny Lines For Your Maid Of Honor Speech

funny lines for maid of honor speech

Maid of honor speeches are best known for being one of the funniest and most anticipated speeches of the night. While you don’t have to be a stand up comedian to pull off an amusing speech, it’s always a good idea to have a few funny lines up your sleeve.

Even if you don’t enjoy speaking in front of others or are feeling nervous about delivering your speech, you can hide that with the right content — and the right jokes.

Our funny lines for the maid of honor speech will help you find the right openers as well as jokes for the remainder of your speech. Just remember to only use a handful so your speech doesn’t come off cliché.

Funny Lines for Maid of Honor Speech

Saying something amusing at the beginning of your speech is a great way to engage your audience from the get-go. If you want to kick off your speech with some humor, here are 10 funny ways to do so:

  • I’d like to start by congratulating Amanda on her excellent taste in speech givers.
  • I’m Rachel, maid of honor, but I think I was picked by default since the bride doesn’t like people.
  • I can only say in my defense that Amanda and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, blame her.
  • Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great woman… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Amanda!
  • It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents taught me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should say nothing at all.
  • Amanda knew I was a bit nervous about giving this speech, so she gave me some great advice. She said “Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual — just be yourself!’”
  • Where do I start with Amanda? She’s kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming… sorry, I’m having trouble reading Amanda’s writing, (turn to bride) you’ll have to tell me the rest later.”
  • The bride and I have been friends for a long time, but she had some trouble finding a maid of honor. She first asked her richest friend to be her maid of honor, but she said no. Then she asked her funniest friend to be her maid of honor, but she also said no. She then asked her best-looking friend to be the maid of honor but even she said no. Then she asked me, and, after turning her down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse her again.
  • Each one of us gathered together in this room has something really important in common: none of us have a clue what I’m going to say next!
  • Good evening everyone! I’m Rachel. I’m sure you all know me as Amanda’s younger sister, but if you don’t, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!
  • Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and wondrous that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the free booze.
  • Amanda and I have always loved each other like sisters. Hopefully she’ll feel the same after she hears my speech.
  • Good evening everyone, today you are witness to a unique and important event in history: the first and presumably last time anyone will ever trust me to give a speech.
  • If your speech is following someone else’s, you can say, (Name) gave a great speech and I agree with everything he/she said. Then sit down.
one liners for maid of honor speech

One Liners for Maid of Honor Speech

Who says a joke needs to be long to get a laugh? Sometimes a one-liner is exactly what you need to break the ice and get people laughing. Here are a few to choose from:

  • Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple.
  • There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
  • Marriage is like a walk in the park — Jurassic Park, that is.
  • My husband and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and he agrees with me.
  • Last night my husband was complaining that I never listen to him… or something like that.
  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  • Here are the top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
  • Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
jokes for maid of honor speech

Jokes for Maid of Honor Speech

Be sure to balance your jokes at the couple’s expense with at least a bit of flattery. It is their big day, after all. Here’s a few examples:

  • I read somewhere the perfect maid of honor speech should last as long as it takes for the bride and groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!
  • A few months ago, Jennifer called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell her that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”
  • I don’t believe in roasting the couple on their special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of their characters. Thank you and goodnight.
  • As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the couple’s praises and tell you all about their many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.
  • Jennifer is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Adam swooped in before she could find one.
  • Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.
  • Adam, you’re leaving tonight with a beautiful wife. Jennifer, you get to go home with a beautiful new dress. So it’s win-win.
  • Jennifer, the next time you think work keeps you apart too much, remember to enjoy the time apart. All too soon you’ll both retire, but you’ll still have a full-time job — dealing with him.
  • Jennifer did actually tell me Adam has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off…but it amounts to the same thing, right?
  • They married for better or for worse. Adam couldn’t have done better, and Jennifer couldn’t have done worse!
  • Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.
  • Jennifer please put your left hand flat on the table. Adam please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Adam because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
  • It can be said that a bride’s attitude toward her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.
advice jokes for maid of honor speech

Advice Jokes for Maid of Honor Speech

If you can offer advice to the newlyweds and get a laugh at the same time, why not kill two birds with one stone? Here are some wise words that will be sure to elicit more than a few chuckles.

  • Paul, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
  • Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
  • The beauty of your youths may fade over time, but don’t worry, so will your eyesight.
  • The four most essential words for a healthy and happy relationship are “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”
  • Leave the toilet seat down. Enough said.
  • Marriage is an ‘as is’ deal. Don’t try to change your spouse. That’s as good as it gets.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
  • Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening anyway.
  • Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
cheesy jokes for maid of honor speech

Cheesy Jokes for Maid of Honor Speech

If you want to use a groaner or two in your speech, these corny jokes will make your listeners smile in spite of themselves.

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
  • Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
  • It has been a very emotional day today. I’m sure some of you have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
  • Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs.
  • My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down.
  • Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
  • My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline — she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
  • My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
funny quotes for maid of honor speech

Funny Quotes for Maid of Honor Speech

If you’re looking for a way to make your speech amusing, throwing in a funny quote or two can’t hurt. Here are some of the best love-related quotes sure to make your audience chuckle.

  • “Men wear the pants in the relationship, but women control the zipper.”

— Unknown

  • “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

— Brendan Behan, Irish poet

  • “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” 

Ann Bancroft, American actress

  • “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

— Maryon Pearson, wife of former Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson

  • “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

Jim Carrey, actor

  • “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”

— Terry Pratchett, English author

  • “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

— Ogden Nash, American poet

  • “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” 

— George Burns, American comedian

  • “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”

— Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and psychoanalyst

  • “It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner, American comedian

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