It’s often said that laughter and a good sense of humor is the best thing for relationships — we completely agree!
Whether you’re looking to bring some laughter into your marriage, or just want the newlyweds to giggle during your speech — you’re sure to find a funny marriage quote that resonates with you.
Funny Marriage Quotes
1. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
— Milton Berle
2. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
— Joyce Brothers
3. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
— Ann Bancroft
4. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
— Will Ferrell
5. “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon called 50 Shades of Just OK.”
— Conan O’Brien
6. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
7. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
— Socrates
8. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
— Bill Maher
9. “I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.”
— Molly McNearney
10. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”
— Robert Frost
11. “Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.”
— Anonymous
12. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
— Henny Youngman
13. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
— Michel de Montaigne
14. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
— Erma Bombeck
15. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
— Prince Philip
16. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
— Agatha Christie
17. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
— Terry Pratchett
18. “I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
— Katharine Hepburn
19. “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too — for being married so many times.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
20. “When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years — we were on the freeway at the time.”
— Joan Rivers
21. “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
— George Burns
22. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner
23. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
— Lyndon B. Johnson
24. “‘I am’ is supposedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
— George Carlin
25. “I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’”
— Gwyneth Paltrow
26. “They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”
― Clint Eastwood
27. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.”
― Luke Rhinehart
28. “There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”
— Clint Eastwood
29. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”
— Eddie Cantor
30. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
— Red Skelton
31. “Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”
— Sinbad
32. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.”
— Ruth Bader Ginsburg
33. “Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.”
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
34. “If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.”
— Alan King
35. “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.”
— Jackie Kennedy
36. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
— Megan Mullally
37. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
— Rita Rudner
38. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
— Winston Churchill
39. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.”
— St. Jerome
40. “Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”
― Pawan Mishra
41. “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.”
— Ogden Nash
42. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”
— Catherine Zeta-Jones
43. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
— Oscar Wilde
44. “Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
— Chris Rock
45. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.”
— Richard Pryor
46. “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”
— Brendan Behan
47. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
— Robert Anderson
48. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
— Stephanie Ortiz
49. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
— Albert Einstein
50. “Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.”
— Burt Reynolds
51. “My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.”
— Jim Gaffigan
52. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
— Henny Youngman
53. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
— Jim Carrey
54. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
— Mickey Rooney
55. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
— George Bernard Shaw
56. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
— Jack Benny
57. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
— Phyllis Diller
58. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
― Carroll Bryant
59. “I don’t see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain’t much of a recommendation for it.”
― Larry McMurtry
60. “In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left.”
― Solitaire Parke
