Best man speeches are best known for being the funniest speech of the night — not to mention the most anticipated. While you don’t have to be a stand up comedian to pull off an amusing speech, it’s always a good idea to have a few funny comments up your sleeve.
Even if you don’t enjoy speaking in front of others or are feeling nervous about delivering your speech, you can hide that with the right content — and the right jokes.
Our jokes for best man speech guide will help you find the right openers as well as jokes for the remainder of your speech. Just remember to only use a handful so your speech doesn’t come off cliché.
In This Article
Opening Jokes for Best Man Speech
Saying something amusing at the beginning of your speech is a great way to engage your audience from the get-go. If you want to kick off your speech with some humor, here are 10 funny ways to do so:
- I’d like to start by congratulating Scott on his excellent taste in speech givers.
- It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents taught me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should say nothing at all.
- Scott knew I was a bit nervous about giving this speech, so he gave me some great advice. He said “Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual — just be yourself!’”
- The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
- Each one of us gathered together in this room has something really important in common: none of us have a clue what I’m going to say next!
- Good evening everyone! I’m Mike. I’m sure you all know me as Scott’s younger brother, but if you don’t, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!
- Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and wondrous that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the free booze.
- Scott and I have always loved each other like brothers. Hopefully he’ll feel the same after he hears my speech.
- Good evening everyone, today you are witness to a unique and important event in history: the first and presumably last time anyone will ever trust me to give a speech.
- If your speech is following someone else’s, you can say, (Name) gave a great speech and I agree with everything he/she said. Then sit down.
Jokes Involving the Groom
The groom is always fair game in the best man’s speech. Just make sure you don’t go overboard. Be sure to balance your jokes at the groom’s expense with at least a bit of flattery. It is his big day, after all.
- Where do I start with Scott? He’s kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming… sorry, I’m having trouble reading Scott’s writing, (turn to groom) you’ll have to tell me the rest later.”
- A few months ago, Scott called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell him that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”
- Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Scott!
- Let me tell you about the groom. I’ve known him for 15 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic… Oops, sorry, wrong wedding.
- I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!
- I’m Mike, best man, but I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.
- I can only say in my defense that Scott and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, blame him.
- I’d like to focus on the groom for a few minutes. Enjoy it, Scott, because this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.
- I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Scott. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.
- As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.
Jokes Involving the Bride
While it’s never a good idea to make a joke at the bride’s expense, you can still certainly include her in your humor. Here’s a few examples:
- Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one.
- It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.
- Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.
- Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a beautiful wife. Claire, you get to go home with a beautiful new dress. So it’s win-win.
- Claire, the next time you think work keeps you apart too much, remember to enjoy the time apart. All too soon you’ll both retire, but you’ll still have a full-time job — dealing with him.
- Claire did actually tell me Scott has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off…but it amounts to the same thing, right?
- They married for better or for worse. Scott couldn’t have done better, and Claire couldn’t have done worse!
- Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.
- Claire please put your left hand flat on the table. Scott please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Scott because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
- It can be said that a bride’s attitude toward her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.
Jokes for a Married Best Man
If you’re already married, you have the chance to share your insight with the groom, but you may as well make him laugh while you’re doing so. Here are a few ideas that are good for a giggle.
- I asked my wife if she still fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.
- There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you’re right, remind yourself of rule No. 1.
- A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”
- My wife says I’m too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
- Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
- My wife asked me earlier: “Are you even listening to me?” Which is a very odd way to start a conversation…
- My wife asked me if I wanted dinner. When I asked what my choices were, she said, “Yes or no.”
- Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
- My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
- I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s giving me lately.
Advice Jokes for Best Man Speech
If you can offer advice to the newlyweds and get a laugh at the same time, why not kill two birds with one stone? Here are some wise words that will be sure to elicit more than a few chuckles.
- Scott, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
- The four most essential words for a healthy and happy relationship are “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”
- Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Leave the toilet seat down. Enough said.
- The beauty of your youths may fade over time, but don’t worry, so will your eyesight.
- Marriage is an ‘as is’ deal. Don’t try to change your spouse. That’s as good as it gets.
- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
- Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
- Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening anyway.
- Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
Best One-Liner Jokes
Who says a joke needs to be long to get a laugh? Sometimes a one-liner is exactly what you need to break the ice and get people laughing. Here are a few to choose from:
- Marriage is like a walk in the park — Jurassic Park, that is.
- I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”
- Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple.
- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
- Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
- I’m not a “yes” man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
- There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- Here are the top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
- Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
Best Cheesy Jokes
If you want to use a groaner or two in your speech, these corny jokes will make your listeners smile in spite of themselves.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
- It has been a very emotional day today. I’m sure some of you have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
- Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
- What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
- Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs.
- My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down.
- Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
- My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline — she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
- My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Funny Quotes for Your Speech
If you’re looking for a way to make your speech amusing, throwing in a funny quote or two can’t hurt. Here are some of the best love-related quotes sure to make your audience chuckle.
- “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”
— Brendan Behan, Irish poet
- “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
— Maryon Pearson, wife of former Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
— Jim Carrey, actor
- “Men wear the pants in the relationship, but women control the zipper.”
— Unknown
- “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
— Terry Pratchett, English author
- “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
— Ogden Nash, American poet
- “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
— George Burns, American comedian
- “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”
— Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and psychoanalyst
- “It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner, American comedian
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
— Ann Bancroft, American actress
Our Top 5 Best Man Speech Tips for Including Jokes
Writing a speech isn’t easy. That’s why we’ve put together some essential tips to keep in mind. If you need more help, take a look at our article on how to write a memorable best man speech.
1. Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm
No matter what style of speech you plan to write, you should always start by brainstorming. If you’re going for something funny, making a list of amusing memories of the groom can help you decide what stories to tell as well as what jokes will go with them.
Once you’ve finished brainstorming, choose one or two stories to work with. Which memories would be both easy to share and amusing for your audience? How long will each memory take to recount?
Once you’ve chosen either one longer memory or two shorter ones, it’s time to add some supporting details. Once that task is complete, look to see which jokes would best support the stories you plan to share and how you can integrate them.
If you plan to tell a story about the groom’s mischievous sense of humor, you could say something like this:
Good evening everyone. I’m Mike, the best man and Scott’s younger brother. Before I dive into my speech I just want to say that Scott and I share the same sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, it’s all his fault.
Speaking of having a crazy sense of humor, I’d like to tell you about the time Scott decided it would be a great idea to dye our cat’s tail green for St. Patrick’s day. He was eight and I, his willing helper, was only five…
2. Choose a common theme to keep your speech cohesive
Having a recurring theme in your speech will help it to flow naturally, making it easier to deliver. It will also make it easier for the audience to follow, and will be more apt to hold their attention.
If your goal is to make your speech funny by telling amusing anecdotes about your friend, then jokes will work very well with your toast. If you plan to make your speech a mixture of funny and sincere, however, make sure you confine the jokes to the amusing part of your speech.
Offering advice to the newlyweds may sound serious, but it can be pretty funny if done right. This will be especially effective if you are already married. For instance, you could say:
As Scott’s one and only married friend, I’m the only one of his peers who can offer advice on how to make a marriage successful. So, Scott, here’s my advice to you; as a married man, there are three phrases you must master: “Yes, dear,” “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”
Memorizing those words will save you a lot of heartache, Scott. Remember, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
3. Be funny, but show emotion too
Even if your goal is to have the crowd in tears from laughter, at least a small portion of your speech should include a heartfelt sentiment or two.
Whether you talk about how blessed you are to be friends with the groom or about how happy you are for him to have found the love of his life, be sure to get in a few sincere comments.
But how do you transition from a joke into something more heartfelt? Here’s a good example:
It’s been said that a man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him, but I’m pretty sure Scott fell for Claire before he even spoke to her. I don’t think he believed in love at first sight until that moment.
4. Make mention of the groom’s spouse
As the best man, most of your speech will be about the groom, but it’s still important to mention his new bride or groom.
Your speech will be mostly about recounting memories of your friendship with the groom, but it’s important to transition into talking about the other half of the newlywed couple. And yes, you can do that by starting with a joke. You could say something like:
Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one. But seriously, Claire, I am so happy that Scott did indeed find you. I’ve never seen him happier and it is all because of you.
5. End your speech with a toast
No pressure — but, as the best man, your speech is usually the most anticipated of the night, so end it right by offering congratulations to the newlyweds. You can even slip in one last joke. Here are a few examples:
Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a lovely wife. Claire, you get to go home with a gorgeous new dress. So it’s win-win. To the lucky groom and his beautiful bride! Cheers!
Yes, folks, this wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple. Seriously though, a great love like theirs is one to be celebrated, so everyone lift your glasses with me and toast the bride and groom. To Claire and Scott!
By remembering these tips and choosing the right jokes, you can be confident of delivering a successful best man speech.
